Birdwalk

Tennis bicep

You know how stuff happens sometimes and you just aren't paying attention? I just realized that my right arm is becoming disconcertingly muscular due to all the tennis. I actually have a VISIBLE bicep. I can honestly say that I have never been this upper-body-buff (actually that's not completely true, I'm really too fat to be buff...under the fat, I'm buff, I swear) before in my life. I wonder if it's all the protein?

Despite all this muscularity, however I still lost my tennis game last night. My serve (which is usually excellent and rather consistent, unlike the rest of my game, unless you can call my uncanny ability to frequently hit easy shots into the net consistent) inexplicably fell apart mid-way through the set. I did recover it, however, and managed to lose 7-6. (we only had time to play one set.) I've been thinking about it and I think I continue to play below my level of ability for several very simple reasons:

1. I lose focus too easily. The ball's coming toward me and I'm thinking about God knows what but definitely not the ball. Shopping lists, my bruised big toe, that slice of cheesecake in the fridge...
2. I get tense and tighten up.
3. I take my eye off the ball. It should not be this difficult to remember but I'm constantly looking to see where the ball GOES rather than at the racket as I hit it. Not good.

Oh, calm down

I just realized that the previous post combined with the Thoughts About My Own Death post, taken together, could give folks the idea that I'm not doing so good mentally. If so, you can stop worrying, I'm fine. And by that I mean literally I'm fine, not the kind of "I'm fine" that actually means "I'm not fine but I'm also not interested in talking about it or fixing it."

So, you got that? I'm fine, really.

If you are, however, feeling bad about your own life here are a few shows to watch that will snap you right out of it...

Wife Swap (this show should be called Crazy Bitches and the Families Who Are Stuck With Them -- my favorite quote from the last episode, "Do you journal?")
How Clean Is Your House? (People who can't sleep on their own bed because there's so much junk piled on it put my dog-hair-covered but otherwise uncluttered house into perspective)
Nanny 911 (Makes me very glad to have a dog)

Against my better judgment

I normally avoid posting about My Real Feelings. No, seriously. I'm happy to talk about ducks and bugs and the weather and maybe even the occasional bowel movement, but I generally don't share my deeper thoughts about many issues because I'm afraid that someone in my family will read this and it will either hurt them or cause them to worry, both of which are utterly needless. However, this post has been rattling around in my head for over a week now and I think I'm going to take a chance and post it anyway.

The holidays make me feel spectacularly lonely. There. I've said it.

I feel like those empty cicada shells you find clinging to trees. It looks like I'm here, but really I'm just a shell. Every year, the negatives about the holidays accumulate until now they finally outweigh the positives and frankly I just go from before Thanksgiving to after New Years gritting my teeth and waiting for them to be over. I don't even care anymore if anyone else feels this way. The only thing I really enjoy about the holidays is the family my office adopts (why is it, by the way, that no matter where I work, I always end up being the one to coordinate this sort of thing? Why is that?) It is such a pure pleasure to go out and buy something for someone just for the fun of doing something nice for someone else.

This years family is especially heartbreaking. The mother's "special holiday wish"? I swear I am not making this up. She wants a Warm Blanket For Her Bed. That's it. That's what this woman wants for Christmas. Can you believe that? I would get her five warm blankets if I could.