Birdwalk

Avoiding disappointment, volume two (with extra bonus personal insights!)

Well, I've had some time to think about all this and I've come up with some conclusions. But first, I'd like to share the latest work-related development.

We lost our admin in the recent reorg. Today was her last day and apparently on her way out the door someone said, "Hey, now that she's gone who's going to do payroll?" Oops. So guess who gets to do payroll for the marketing department from now on? That's right...me! Never mind that I'm a copywriter who is legendarily bad with numbers. Never mind that nowhere in my job description does it mention handling payroll for the entire marketing department. But if you put that all aside then of course I'm the logical choice, sure, bring it on. Apparently I have to take some full-day training course on how to use our payroll system, which, I'm sure, will end up in a blog entry sooner or later, so stay tuned. But I digress.

I've decided that the reason I'm so let down by people is that my expectations are simply too high. I noticed that the people from whom I expect nothing rarely disappoint me. Therefore I will work on adjusting my expectations. I kinda feel sad about this but at the same time, maybe wiser and less naive, too. (Did I spell that right?)

I still haven't figured out how to deal with the nagging feeling that I'm somehow worth less than others because I'm not universally loved by all. But maybe that's just a silly idea in the first place. After all, this ain't high school.

And now for the bonus personal insights, thanks to a very strange source -- tennis. I realized the other day that I do a lot of talking to myself while I'm playing. Things like, "Oh, I'm never going to hit that..." or "How could I miss that easy shot?" Or " What's wrong with me, I served better than that last week." It's this little voice in my head, don't get the idea that I say all this stuff out loud. Once I realized what I was doing and made an effort to stop doing it, my tennis game improved markedly. What a difference! It made me start thinking about maybe I do this kind of thing to myself all the time, not just when I play tennis...? Hmmm....

Avoiding disappointment, volume one
I suppose I started early. Practically from birth, I've been devoted to people who end up treating me badly. I think when you start something that young, you don't give much thought to it -- it's dysfunctional, yes, but it's normal. Sure, it hurts when people do stuff you don't understand, but in some twisted way, you get used to being crapped on. Standing up for yourself is a completely alien concept. But wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing, or obsessively ruminating over slights, real or perceived? That's all too familiar and, sadly, almost comforting.

The sad part, though, is how hard I try to be A Good Person. I try so hard to Do The Right Thing, to make people feel recognized and special because I know how much it hurts when people forget about you. I also believe that you reap what you sow, and if you treat other people well they will treat you well, too. And, although I try to appear tough on the outside, the truth is that I'm super-sensitive and very easily hurt. People who are close to me know this.

Recently, though, I've suffered a few crippling blows to my self-esteem, on a couple of different fronts. First, I almost lost my job. I wasn't almost fired, rather, I was almost laid off when my department was scheduled to be eliminated. Thankfully, the decision was rescinded at the very last second, but it was a real slap in the face to my self-image in terms of work. I've always been considered a "key" employee at every company I've worked for, but instead I was treated as a nameless, faceless, expendable resource. Not that I labor under any misconceptions about my own value, but I've never been treated as completely value-less before, and I'm having a real hard time with it. Second, several people who I am close to -- or thought I was -- also apparently think I'm expendable. (Don't worry...if you're reading this, chances are I'm not talking about you.) It should also be noted, however, that some folks totally came through for me -- and still others completely surprised me by their thoughtfulness. Nonetheless, I can't pretend that being cast aside by both my employer and friends/family isn't eating away at me.

Clearly, I'm not playing by the same rules that everyone else is. Is my value really determined by how many birthday cards I get, or whether I get a good review at the end of the year? Are those the true barometers of a life well lived? Does popularity equal love, or even respect? What would happen if I stopped trying so hard? Would I feel better...or worse? If nobody likes me, will I cease to exist? Do I need to stop focusing on the bad and focus on the good instead?

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